What a weird season in which to be a mom.
For so many mothers, the pandemic has erased any semblance of boundaries between home and work, marriage and kids, self-care and care for others.
We’re preparing PB and J’s while Zooming with employees, and when we take a breath it’s to help sound out a new trick work in the remote learning Fundations packet.
We’re sneaking away to our yoga mats, praying for 20 minutes of uninterrupted time to unwind, destress, and perhaps even break a sweat.
I recently had a conversation with my friend Catalina Zbar on her podcast, Studionomics. We talked a lot about what it’s like to be a studio owner and the mom of three young kids, and a common question that came up today was, “how can you be a present parent and a successful business owner at the same time?“
Oh man … I soooooo can’t.
And not too long ago, I’d get really hung up on the fact that I couldn’t be good at all things to all people at all times.
I’d feel guilty from every angle, and then the worst kind of guilt would set in: guilty for feeling guilty.
Alas, the vicious cycle of guilt.
Listening back to the podcast interview made me want to expand upon the mom guilt that so many women feel so often throughout every day.
That feeling that when they’re working they “should” be with their kids, and when they’re with their kids, they “should” be growing their businesses gnaws away at productivity and ultimately happiness.
To be honest, there wasn’t one ah-ha moment that suddenly made the mom-guilt disappear, but rather a series of realizations and paradigm shifts over the past few years have helped me really say goodbye all together to that feeling of mom-guilt.
If you’re struggling during this challenging time (or any time really) with the pangs of mom-guilt, I hope my list of realizations will help you move beyond the guilt and into genuine acceptance.
1. Guilt is a feeling, not an action.
I heard this for the first time at discussion I attended on anti-racism. A white person in the audience was explaining how guilty she felt over the mistreatment of Black people for hundreds of years. The moderator looked at her and smiled, “Guilt is a feeling,” he explained, “not an action.” In other words, it does no good to sit around feeling guilty. This realization has been a huge eye-opener in so many ways.
When you think about it in terms of anti-racism efforts, it all becomes embarrassingly obvious: person with white privilege feels guilty about slavery, does nothing but feel guilty, racist systems persist.
Now think about it with mom guilt: mom feels guilty about being at work instead of with her kids, can’t concentrate, doesn’t accomplish anything, goes home, spends time with kids, feels guilty for not being more present at work, does not enjoy time with kids.
You get the idea.
I’ve been on the hamster wheel of mom-guilt and take it from me, nothing productive ever comes from it.
Whether it’s anti-racism efforts or motherhood or anything that happens to elicit guilt, what’s worked wonders for me is taking action.
2. You can be a great mom, a great business leader, a great friend, and a great partner, but you can’t be great at all of these things at the same time.
What a freakin’ relief!
If I’m killing it at work, the reality is that my home presence will be sub-par.
When I’m in full on mom-mode, my work isn’t getting done.
I’m sure as heck not being an attentive wife on girls’ get-away in Mexico, and I’ll likely drop the ball on friend details during my anniversary weekend.
And when you’re being fully present in one scenario, how could you possibly expect show up in a powerful and productive way in the others?
You couldn’t. It’d be superhuman.
And thank goodness, for now the pressure is off.
3. The men in my life don’t have dad-guilt.
My husband Ben is an awesome dad. He has so much energy for bedtime reading and batting lessons and even imaginary play (praise the lord on that last one because I legit cannot).
He works hard at his job and loves to play golf on the weekends. He’ll be the first to say that golf for him is his refueling time and his chance to be truly present. If he’s thinking about other things, he won’t enjoy himself.
Ben’s approach has helped me realize that taking care of business or being with our kids or having some personal refueling time doesn’t exist so you can feel guilty about the thing you’re not doing; it exists so you can feel refreshed and refueled. Period.
From a cultural viewpoint as well, men just don’t field the same questions as women in regards to childcare and parenting, so I’ve worked consciously to not take on cultural expectations of what motherhood duties and responsibilities look like.
4. The singularity of focus in yoga extends beyond the mat.
An important part of yoga both in what I teach and how I practice is the philosophy of “singularity of focus.” Put simply, focus on one thing at a time.
Your mental focus has the potential to be so powerful; yet, when we distract ourselves with negative thoughts on things that are out of control at the moment, we miss out on so much.
Look, the bottom line is that it’s common for moms to feel that pang of mom-guilt. I know, I’ve felt it. But mindset shifts and positive reminders that can help you out of a funk and back into the present moment.
And when your mind is free from all that guilty garbage, you’ll flat our enjoy your life so much more.
Cheers to kicking mom-guilt to the curb!
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